As I stood perplexed and altogether hypnotiesed by this, what can only be described as mad, woman, I wondered why on earth I had agreed to come here. Like some kind of puppy fortune-teller, my dog star sign had apparently been read, my canine fate sealed; though I do not remember asking for it.
I was at my very first Dog Show. Just outside of Brisbane, the dog lovers descended, set up camp, and began the weekend of judging. I half expected them to be playing ‘Country Road’ from their trailer speakers and throwing rocks at squirrels, whilst yelling ‘Go get ‘em boi!’ to their Rottweiler or Pitbull or whatever carnivorous looking ‘pet’ they had. Suffice to say, my rather cruel preconceptions were replaced by a far more disconcerting presence. That of sheer, borderline aggressive, competition. The cause of my being in this surreal Twilight Zone place of forgotten crazies was a family friend, Tess and her miniature Schnauzer, Ivy.
During my stay in Brisbane I had come to the decision that every new experience was an opportunity to learn, and not to be wasted. I would then return to England with wild and wonderful tales of everything new and random I had picked up along the way. This, I had thought, would be one of them. In a way I wasn’t wrong.
The ten hour day began with Ivy’s meticulous grooming. This involved chalking the poor pedigree's behind, putting cornflour through her feet (to dry out the fur) and snipping her obsessively brushed beard. Nervous looking eyes met mine as I walked around, snapping pictures of dogs to fill the time. The rules were, don’t touch a dog unless you ask their owners permission first, apparently the same applied for photographs. The looks I received for wielding a camera at the animals mimicked the indigenous fear of the power of a photograph to steal a soul.
As the judging continued throughout the day I saw more dogs than I had ever seen in my whole life. The variety was incredible. The fashion of the competitors, however, something else entirely. Lime green trousers, white jackets with brown patent shoes, diamontee studded jeans, pink visors. You name it. It was all at the dog show. Even though I class myself as a ‘dog’ person, it was undoubtably more interesting to watch the owners jog round the ring with five identical dogs. The rumours i'd already heard about the judges having their 'favourites' in each division, once vindicated, only increased my disappointment in the event so far. Watching the same judge pick the same dog to win ten different, yet equally dull competitions is in no way entertaining.
After eight hours of shows, six cigarettes and a thunderstorm, I abandoned Tess and went to sit in the car. With my book and a bottle of wine I entertained myself for the next two hours. Upon my return to the ring I had discovered the secret to making dog shows interesting, in fact the secret that has made all awkward and dull events interesting for millennia; alcohol. Through my haze, the dogs became a lot more interesting, their owners magically more agreeable, the autistic looking judges, more entertaining to watch.
The purpose of the dog show became clear. It wasn’t really about dogs at all. It was a safe place where like-minded people could pass their time with mans best friend. They might have been judged in the ring, but on the sidelines they were safe from cruel societal labels of ‘freaks’ and ‘zoosexuals’. Realising this I felt slightly ashamed of my initial impressions, and in a small way became a bit of a dog-show convert. I was, at last, able to appreciate one of those rare places where people can really express themselves, like a comic book convention, or a death metal rock concert. It was a place where ‘normies’ were extinct, resulting in true human expression.
Ivy had gained twelve show points, by default (apparently the thunderstorm had scared away the expected competition). As we drove home exhausted, Tess asked me if i wanted to join her next weekend in Marylebone for another show. My answer was no.
If in any doubt of the people I have attempted to describe above please watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_KrSWI8F2E
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